I often bounce questions off of an elder. I’ve said it before and wholeheartedly believe that we all should have a friend in the seventy-plus club that we can call on from time to time. I asked my auntie before we got off the phone if she always shared her age with people, or did she find it disrespectful when people asked a woman how old she was? She replied with seasoned confidence, “well, it never mattered to me, as much as I’ve been through, I consider each year a blessing.” It is with the hope of gaining that same confidence that I joyfully walk into year thirty-four.
Birthdays bring about so many emotions I tweeted earlier this week. It’s like trying to unknot a delicate necklace. One of the things that brought about these emotions is the idea of failure and success. It is with each new year I make a mental list of all things not accomplished because somewhere I learned that life was about all the grandiose things you do. I torture myself tallying up all the things I didn’t do; even worse, I think about what others will say about what I didn’t do. Confidence is so much easier talked about than lived out.
In my life, I have attempted to focus on undoing and redoing and unlearning and relearning intently. So I woke up this morning, scrolled through my pictures, and was reminded of all the things that I should view as successful. My reminders that my life is full and to look at things differently. Pictures tell stories beyond the smile. You remember this is where you were when you struggled through a depressive season. You remember what you were eating when a friend felt close enough to share her intimate wounds. You remember the specific sound when you stepped foot in a new country and how it changed you. My pictures don’t tell stories of failure but experience.
Most importantly, I remembered that these lists that I make up in my mind don’t mean jack. Maya Angelou said that “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” I liked myself at 33, and I like how I do things. I like that I’m changing my thought process around what it means in the context of success and failures. I like that I’m not giving up on me and learning to take it easy on me.
Last year, as I entered into year 33, I wanted to accomplish a few things. I will say that all have not reached achievement status, but forward movement is occurring. Jana at 34 is quite pleased with a move, which may not be much to some, but it is an act of courage when I think about all the times I stood still. Here is to a year of continued movement.